The Art of Honesty: Navigating Social Norms and Genuine Responses 

You lied. So did I. 

How do I know? Someone asked, “How are you?” And we were NOT “great.”  

We definitely lied.  

1. The Social Norms of Politeness:  

But how honest should we be? The rituals of etiquette hint that Askers don’t really care about the answer. Even if they are interested, we’ll take the odds that it’s too risky.   

100% for a stranger at a store. Or church. 

Work too? With teammates?  

Dare we be honest?  

2. The Calculus of Context: 

I think we can – and should. But “honest” doesn’t mean all the details.   

Many factors impact how much we tell. Trust. Depth of relationship – current or future. Character. Time available. Time of day.  

We can do the calculus and choose how much to share.  

3. Train Crash Progression : 

Think of it this way. Pretend I witnessed a train crash. Viral videos. Carnage clicks. Even fatalities. Maybe I tried to save a life but failed.  

Then I come to work on Monday. Someone says, “Jamey, what was that like?” I feel like a Super Bowl loser, biting my tongue from “what do you think?”  

If I choose to be honest, I actually have a range of responses available.  

• “Horrific.” 
• “It was horrible. Worst thing I’ve seen in my life.” 
• “It was horrible. I’m still processing it. I saw dead bodies. That doesn’t go away.” 
• “I’ll likely have PTSD. Do you have some time? Here’s a bit of what my brain looks like right now…” 

All honest, but with progression of detail. 

We have agency. We can tell it like it is, with the appropriate detail. “It’s been a hard week. But I’ll be ok. I appreciate you asking.” 

In giving an honest look, we’ll be that much more whole.